I just talked to him for an hour. My heart feels like it's screaming inside my chest. What the fuck? I feel like I love him. I feel like I love his idiosyncrasies, and his face, and his eyes, and the person he is on the inside. How can I sleep now? I wonder what dreams will plague me tonight.
When you are forced to abruptly stop loving someone, do you think that love ever really gets a chance to dissipate naturally? Or is it like a phantom limb. Did you know that that phenomenon only occurs to people who have lost their limbs suddenly? It doesn't happen when a leg slowly dies...isn't that weird?
I think if I had a boyfriend now I wouldn't feel this way. Or even if I had a fucking boyfriend since then. I just need to know someone as well as I knew him. I need to feel as comfortable with someone as I did with him. Because, a la Chere, I believe there is life after love. There has to be. That's why we have tears. That's why we have emotions and laughter. So that we have ways to cope when love is severed, or faded, or whatever.
It's been so long I can't cry. It's been so long that all I can do is feel hopeless, and wait. Because sometimes people leave your life, or have to leave it, for a reason. Sometimes you love someone for a reason. And then you hurt for a reason, and though that connection dies, you make new ones. Eventually, after a million years, I guess normal people make new ones.
Operation 'get a boyfriend to have sex with' is now in full effect. Watch out men, I am on the prowl.
