I need to remember this. Why this is in effect. I need to remember to stay strong. You didn’t want to have sex with me. You found me disgusting. You told me how unattractive and unsexy I was all the time. You shoved the beauty of others who you wanted to fuck in my face. You asked if you could fuck them. You told me I wasn’t your girlfriend, and that you had no obligation to me. You shoved down my throat how ugly you found me and how sexy you found others whose bodies you wanted to fuck. You wouldn’t have sex with me without clothes on. You never looked at my body. You were grossed out by the sight of my stomach. You were mean to me. You snapped at me and looked at me as though I were a blemish on your perfect life. You punished me for my weight. You wouldn’t even walk down the street with me. You told me not to expect sex. But you expected everything from me. I can remember three times you were unselfish or giving to me in some way. I have done nothing but give to you. You are a drain on my resources, emotional, time, and monetary. You took so much from me. What did you ever give me? I gave you food, I gave you emotional support, I held your hand through stressful shit, I problem solved with you, I was interested in your life, I cleaned your place, I got you sheets and a comforter, I picked you up, I drove you to NJ to see where you grew up, I put up with all of the asshole shit you dished out whenever you felt insecure or compromised, I cared deeply about your wellbeing, I got you medicine, I bought you toilet paper and shampoo as presents, I made you a certificate for getting A’s, I was supportive of your academic endeavors and successes, I proof read your papers, I told you how amazing you were and how I liked you, not just your looks, I tried to make you feel good about yourself; it made me sad to see you sad or unhappy. Being with you was a constant output. You never gave back. I was constantly seeking to be good to you, to give you what I felt you deserved. I wanted you to have everything you needed, and everything you wanted.
But you never gave me those things. Instead you made me feel inhuman and unworthy. After deflecting the insults for so long I began to assimilate them into my own self image. I believed no one wanted to have sex with me. I believed I was only a fetish. I believed I was disgusting, and my body was the worst thing in the world. I began to lose sight of the good things about me. I saw myself as a blob, an unlovable, shameful blob. I was no longer nice, or sweet, or smart, or funny, or talented, or pretty, I was a thing. It got worse, and all the things I liked about you disappeared, and were replaced by an abusive, emotional vampire. You drained me, and put in place negativity and self loathing. You beat me down emotionally, making me feel awful and ugly. Well, guess what. I am not ugly. My body is NOT disgusting, your heart is. I loved you, and this is how you made me feel. For loving you I got insults and downright abuse. Again and again. How do you deal with someone you loved doing that to you? How do you reconcile those opposing sides within your heart? How do you feel when someone you love and respect tells you and shows you that you are nothing shy of disgusting and shameful; that he is embarrassed and ashamed to be involved with you? You were ashamed to be involved with me, and you took it out on me. Well, I am no ones shame. And I am far more than the beautiful body which houses me. I have a light that is unique and amazing. You were putting out that light, and I was letting you.
It’s better to have someone causing you tears when you’re not with them than when you are. The unhappiest I have been in a LONG time was within the last six weeks with you. You caused me pain, you caused me tears. You punished me for who I am. You told me I was shallow, but who is shallow here. You alienated me in a terrible way, and for that I was broken, and so was my love for you. You pushed me away, no matter how hard I tried to hold on. You made the love I felt die. And I am left with empty memories of your smile which tug at my heart. And if I think too much of the good parts of you I lost, I cry. But If I think too much of the way you treated me, and what you expected of me, I feel only regret, and sadness.