The last few days I haven't felt like myself. I feel like I am inside my head, while groggy eyes peer out at the world. Today I actually ate at Burger King. I know, I am disgusted too. This is a real movie day. I want to stay in my newly cleaned room, put on the movie I borrowed, and veg. Not like I haven't gotten my share of vegging lately. But it feels like unproductive vegging.

Having a clean room makes me feel like I'm on a coke high. I gutted out my closet, and I will soon vacuum. I am so environment orientated.

I went to Jo Ann Fabrics, and spent money that I don't have.... Woops, again. My inner craft goddess is just dying to come out though. I have decided to sell shit on ebay. I am going to start with some cool clothes I have had in my closet for forever, and we'll see how it goes from there.

I watched the first Real World Paris, and let me tell you, it was too awful to even describe. Every time I turn on the TV I am reminded why I do not have cable, and don't watch it. I used to be addicted to TV. You would never guess, if you knew me now, yet I was a fiend. But a couple years ago I realized it was just another means I used to escape life. You literally become a zombie, while passively letting the television manipulate your pupils and emotions and buying motives. I realized I lived through manufactured corporate characters, and that it fucked with me too much. So instead I picked up a book, which is still a means to escape at times, but at least now I actively use my brain while processing the content. So for about two years I have been "clean" of the nasty habit.

Speaking of clean, I miss drugs. Drugs drugs drugs like candy and happiness. I loved so much to feel high. I loved to slip into a place where I felt I danced with the fairies and swayed to techno beats in my body. I miss the effortless way I used to enjoy life through a pill, smoke, or powder. I miss having a good time for about $20, but more often for free. It just felt so so good. But of course it felt good. There was no real good in my life when I was into heavy use. I have to keep telling myself that. That life is good lived naturally. And as soon as you turn to a chemical to make you feel alive, you're already dead on the inside.

So instead of drugs, I paint. I do any craft I can get my grubby little hands on. Hell, I almost bought a wood whittling kit because it was something new I haven't yet tried. I'm making a table. I sew. I clean. Often and profusely. There are other things I can do.